According to Google and my stats analyzer, “The Most Selfish Man in the World” is a pretty popular search term. Little do people know they’re gonna get a peanut butter story when they hit “I’m feeling lucky.”

I’m sorry, Google people.

One thing you should know about our house: we keep two jars of peanut butter at all times. My kids like creamy. I like crunchy. Merriem likes neither. A side benefit to this arrangement is that my jar of peanut butter looks like peanut butter should: like it’s been operated with a guy with OCD just below psychosis level. It’s scraped out inch by inch from top to bottom. No knife gouges, no finger trails, no clumps of peanut butter on the lid, no hunks of bread crumbs that have been hardened to gravel-like consistency.

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