I have a dog.  You know that if you’ve read the blog-that-is-not-a-dog-blog for any length of time.  But more specifically, I have a dog that I don’t understand, and I’m convinced that no one else does either.  If the dog whisperer showed up at my house, he’d spend six minutes with her and say, “I got nothin’.”  But I’d have to ask him to repeat it, because he whispers, and I’m hard of hearing.

Editor’s Note: It’s about to get potentially offensive up in here.  In roughly 14 seconds you’ll be reading about dog wee wee.  If you want theology, click here.  If you’re looking for something more on the cute side, click here.  If you want to ignore the warnings, keep rolling…

I don’t understand my dog’s…um…bathroom habits.  When normal humans go to the bathroom, they just go.  There’s not a lot of prep time, not a lot of drama.  But with my dog Sipsy, it’s like a Broadway-style production.  There are rehearsals, costuming, venue selections, you name it, she does it.  This is how it breaks down:

SIPSY: [She doesn’t talk, so allow me to translate.] Sleep sleep sleep sleep AWAKE walk around walk around sniff sniff sniff head on knee.

ME: What is it girl?  You need to go potty?

[“Potty” is the magic word.  She understands potty.  She doesn’t know her own name, but you say “potty” in German (die toilette) at 3 AM from two states away, she comes running.]

SIPSY: Wag wag wag wag dance prance wag wag bark

ME: Okay, let’s go.

[I begin the process of putting on my shoes and getting her leash, lest I become Crazy Insane Man Wandering the Neighborhood at 11 PM Chasing the Dog and Muttering Yosemite Sam Style Cuss Words.  We head out onto the back porch, down the steps, and into her pee spot in the yard.  The same place she’s peed 14 times a day for the last year.]

ME: Go potty.

SIPSY: Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff turn around sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff hey what’s that over there?

ME: Sipsy, it’s a tree.  You’ve seen that tree a thousand times.  It’s the same tree.

SIPSY: [Stands completely still, mesmerized by the tree.  Eventually wanders over and stands beside me, staring at me.]

ME: Don’t you need to go potty?

SIPSY: POTTY!  Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff lick lick sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff.

NEIGHBORHOOD DOG: Hey look! It’s that dog I haven’t seen in two hours!  BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK HOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLL.

SIPSY: [ignoring the dog] Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff.

OTHER NEIGHBORHOOD DOG: HeyWhatAreYouBarkingAtOverThereOhLookIt’sATreeBarkBarkBarkBarkBarkBarkBarkBark

SIPSY: sniff sniff sniff oh look it’s my master again hello master. (stands still, staring at me)

ME: Sipsy!  Go potty!

SIPSY: POTTY!  Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff TREE sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff circle rotate pivot crouch rotate rotate rotate crouch sniff sniff sniff rotate crouch scoot…

[At this point, she finally pees.  Then she takes off like a rocket back towards the house, yanking my arm out of joint in the process, because after all, she shouldn’t have to wait on me.]

STILL ANOTHER NEIGHBORHOOD DOG: Hey who’s that guy I’ve never seen him around here before even though he goes through this routine every night at exactly this time BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK…