The scene: Highway 15-501 South; I am in my car on the cell phone, trying to compare prices on getting the tank for the gas grill filled, because yes, I’m just that cheap.

Audio-Animatronic Operator (AAO): Free 4-1-1!  (insert lame commercial here)  Main menu.  You can say, “Business, residential, toll-free, horoscopes, or weather.”

Me: Business.

AAO: Okay, what city and state?

Me: Durham, North Carolina.

AAO: That’s Durham, North Carolina, right?

Me: Right.

AAO: By name, or by type?

Me: Name.

AAO: What is the name of your listing?

Me: Lowe’s Hardware.

AAO: Did you say, “Roses’ Variety Store”?

Me: No.  Lowe’s Hardware.

AAO: Did you say, “Moe’s Hardwoods”?

Me: No.  Lowe’s Hardware.

AAO: Did you say, “Lowe’s…”

Me: YES!

AAO: …Food Store”?

Me: Doh!  NO!  Lowe’s Hardware.

AAO: Did you say “Fred’s Quick Stop?”

Me: How can you possibly think I said that?  Please explain to me how “Fred’s Quick Stop” sounds anything like “Lowe’s Hardware”?!?

AAO: Did you say, “Venus Fly Trap”?

Me: You know what?  Forget it.  I could have DRIVEN THERE by now.  I know you’re a machine, but pass along to your supervisors that your voice recognition software stinks!  I hope somebody drops your hard drive in water and you die a slow, painful death, fake operator lady!

AAO: Did you say, “Bank Elevator’s Shady”?

Me: (phone sails out the window)